Tattoos I’m Tired of Sleeping With

I do confess. I love a tat-covered dude or lady.

Let me clarify:

I love a tattoo covered dude or lady with original, well-executed and well-maintained tattoos. 

I’m not really in the business of covering myself head to toe with body art, so perhaps my fascination stems from wanting what I don’t (or won’t) have. 

But, as someone who has had many an inked paramour, I would like to share some of the more worn-out tattoo designs that I’m tired of seeing on naked people. Some of these designs, were I able to see them in the clothed light of day, would have sent me running for the hills before the first happy hour, but people with shitty tattoos are often very crafty about concealing the evidence of their drunken nights abroad, or how badass they were at 17. 

Which, all things being equal, any one of us could choose in youth or intoxication to make a bad body ink choice. For your reference, I have provided the list below of tattoos I’m tired of sleeping with. Print it out. Put it in your wallet for the next time you’re in Amsterdam and you really want commemorate the moment with something that will last forever (besides herpes!) 


Barbed Wire - Especially around the bicep

  

Holy fuck! You’re gonna tear your shirt on that WATCH OUT AHHHHHHHHHHHHERRRRRGGGGG!!!

This one doesn’t need much elaboration because it’s pretty much been mocked constantly for the last 20 years or so. Which means that now kids of the more hipster variety are getting it ironically, which makes me go from deflated lady boner to wanting to punch you in your poorly-defined jaw area.


Heart On Chest

 

I feel like every person that gets this is super proud and emotional, thinking “why wasn’t anyone else ever this clever? See how I tattooed the heart over the place where it resides in the body. I am deep.” 

Not that I necessarily think the tattoo-of-organs-where-they-go-in-the-body trend is necessarily uncool, but I want to see something different, like a fucking set of lungs on someone’s chest. Those sexy hip bone tattoos you ladies are so crazy about? Why not jot some eggs down there, as a fertility reminder. Or, if you’re heavier set and have the space - I want to see the god damned large intestine on someone’s stomach. 

Or fuck it, just do this. I’ll respect you more.

    

Koi Fish Tattoo

I will admit, they’re pretty. They have lots of nice colors, and they’re usually done well. Guess what else they are? EVERYWHERE. Guys. Girls. Someone’s ironic pet monkey. Sleeves, chest pieces, ribcages, full back - I don’t know how it happened but in the last five years or so it seems everyone ran to their local tattoo artist and cried “COVER ME IN FUCKING COLORFUL SCALES, MOTHERFUCKER!”

I don’t want to hear how it symbolizes “strength” and “swimming through life” or some other kind of bull shit for you. You got it because you saw someone else with it and went OoooOOOooOOOoo COLORS. 


Your Astrological Sign

  

You may think it symbolizes your “spirituality” or some shit like that, but I just want to be frank here: Please do not tattoo fake science on your body. That includes anything relating to creationism. Medieval medical practices, however, are fair game (someone PLEASE make the Medieval Plague Doctor tattoo sexy again). 

Also, if the thought has ever once crossed your mind “I’m such a (insert sign here) - my horoscope was spot on today!” - Please die, and speed up the evolutionary process.  

The Triforce Tattoo

  

Guess what’s really special about being a kid who grew up in the 90s and played Zelda? Abso-fucking-lutely nothing. 


 Any Sort of Musical Notation (except when it’s awesome) 

 

I struggled with claiming this, because I have actually seen one or two really awesome tattoos using musical notation. 

The thing is, I have seen such an overwhelming amount of them in general (band kid + show choir + music major) and over 99% I’ve seen are just terrible. They’re just fucking terrible. I’m not going to play Tchaikovsky off of your rib cage for god’s sake, you look like an idiot. 

    

This isn’t even fucking CORRECT. FIVE LINES, FOUR SPACES! FACE!EGBDF! AI*D(*W#&@#*(Y*E#Y@E^^@. 

Please, for the love of my sex life and all that is holy, stop getting these tattoos. 

-J